Wednesday, January 20, 2016

100% LOST

Every single day, I wake up and I have no idea why. Not in a sad or depressed way, I wake up and I see no purpose. There are some things that I think about on a daily basis, like for example that my life is so freaking short and I waste it on useless things, or that my problems that seem so big and important, in reality, are so meaningless and small.

I started to realize that after I came back from Russia. I started to understand that my life is exclusively mine and that I can do whatever I want to. That I can achieve anything I want and that I have to take every opportunity that comes across. Of course, I will have challenges and difficulties on my path to success or to my goal, but I will get there sooner or later if I really want to. I have to work hard to get what I want, I know that and I am ready to do so, but there is another problem in the way. 

Knowing that I can achieve everything in life made it even more difficult for me, that seems so silly, but I never thought about life in that way. I lived my life day by day not thinking about the future, my wishes, and dreams and just waiting for something to happen and I was relying on fate to do it's thing and bring me where I wanted to be. But now I realized that if I will continue to live like that, nothing will happen, nothing interesting. I have to take risks, opportunities and work hard. 

But now comes the real question: What do I really want? What do I want to do in life? I have no idea. I don't know what to strive for or what to work for or just simply what to do. For me, the future is so scary and I live in constant fear that if I make the wrong decision I will regret it forever. For example, what should I study? I am afraid that I will pick the wrong path and regret it later, regret that I lost time, change my mind or in the worst case be freakin' unhappy in my future job.

These things scare me the most, all I want is to be happy. 

A few days ago I saw a video on youtube, about a girl who moved to an island in Thailand, I think, and she is having the best time of her life. She married and has a child. She understood that life as it is supposed to be, as we know it is not for her. Here I am, so inspired by her story thinking the exact same thing as she did when she lived by our standards. 

Maybe her path is not the right path for me, but maybe my path is also different that the path of most people? Who knows? And how should I find out? 

I guess only time and my heart will tell.

xx, Lisa

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